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The only prude at the party

Not sure where the 'trend' first sprouted but all over my networks I’ve seen spores of recollected ~*tween discomfort*~. Right now I feel prude as hell, in the most emotionally challenging sense. Maybe it’s the half-year of isolation and social distancing that’s sending us into feedback loops, recalling our developmental intimacy. Maybe it’s synapse wires crossing from 9 straight days of hazardous air quality hundreds of points over the index scale. Maybe it’s our brains emulsifying in our anxiety, locked inside and staring at screens and feeling like tweens in more ways than one.

By Valentine’s Day in 6th grade I had already had two boyfriends. These pseudo relationships hadn't gone any further than chatting on AIM or silently, sweatily grinding in the “pit” of the holiday social, hidden from view of the parent chaperones. Luca Taormina “asked me out” by sending his friend Marco over to my friend group’s table at lunch. For V-day he put a plastic rose in my locker and I still don’t know how he got the combo. This was the entirety of our relationship before we were both invited to Anthony K.’s birthday party——an anticipated event because Anthony K. had a cool basement and even cooler parents. I knew what this meant——I would have to make out with Luca.

It was destiny. Not really my destiny though, more like a firm unwritten social rule. It didn’t matter if I wanted to make out with Luca; I was required to. I practiced on my hand (?) not because I daydreamed about kissing this kid, but because I would be the only prude at the party. Everyone knew it, too. And I was a sitting duck for the critique and scrutiny of the cohort of cool, not prude kids (like Dominic and all the Anthonys).I don't remember what I wore, but I brought Dentyne Ice.

I won’t dive into the details of the party; kids packed in a dark basement like a bunch of raccoons; the more advanced girls mocking a striptease with a wide structural pillar as a pole; my inability to find any comfortable place to sit, stand, put my hands, point my eyes, or anything to say to anyone; Nelly’s “Ride Wit Me” on repeat; me avoiding Luca at all costs; trying to pour myself a solo cup of orange soda, spilling it all over the floor, saying “smooth!” out loud, at myself, to nobody. I think maybe hell looks and feels a lot like that basement party: A bunch of mean and cluelessly sexualized 12-year-olds desperately trying to look and feel cool, and you have no choice but to be one of them.

At some point, surrounded by a circle of Anthonys, Luca shoved his tongue in and around my mouth and all I could think about was an octopus or a sea anemone. It was abrupt and frenzied, mechanical and squishy at the same time. Shut my eyes? I thought. They were open. So were his. We both shut them. And opened again. Just two blinking clueless baby sea anemones latched onto each other's faces for the briefest possible copulative encounter that would do the trick. And it did——I made out with a boy. I had also gained some residual bit of food inside my mouth, probably pizza or garlic knot. But I did it.

“Prude” said Dominic, after having watched the whole thing go down. Shaking his head, “She’s definitely prude yo.” But he was wrong. I wasn’t anymore. Nobody could say I was. There was still an insurmountable landscape of awkward hurdles in my near future, but this one, in spite of me, I had conquered. To my relief, Luca broke up with me the next day. I wonder how he remembers it?

TOO MANY; TOO CLOSE TOGETHER

My friend Caroline had to return her iPhone X because the 300-percent increase in cameras triggered her TRYPTOPHOBIA: which can be defined as an aversion to the sight of irregular patterns or clusters of small holes or bumps.

I'd heard of this before——someone I went to Target with once in college gagged at the sight of a holiday wreath that had too many slices of too small twigs glued together. So it would seem that this is a real thing.

I did not think I had this phobia: Seed pods are whatever. Egg sacs are mostly cool to look at. Hives suck but mostly because they always mean you're allergic to your favorite food. (Unlike Caroline, I am only triggered by the iPhone cameras because why have three when you could just have one good one?) But then I started crying when I was weeding in the yard and found what I later identified as DUNG-LOVING BIRD'S NEST FUNGUS.

Before you google image search this and think, "that's not so bad!" please understand that it was that bad. It was everywhere. Directly under my face. My eyes focused and refocused and revealed what felt like an endless tapestry of horrific clusters of circles upon bumps upon mulch and cat poop*. I had so many questions: Why would the mulch betray me like this? For how long had this fungus been living here rent-free? Why so many pods? Why was it so gross that it made me cry? Was I actually upset about something else bottled up inside? Life is full of mysteries so we may never know.

I gloved up and shoveled clumps of this fungusy mulch into the compost bin and it grew back within days. It's still out there and only getting worse. But I think we've made our peace now, co-existing in our own small circles, the fungus contained to the parking strip and me giving up on weeding, out of respect. I guess all I've learned here is to never mess with any kind of fun guy who loves dung.

*The neighborhood cats all poop in our mulch, which is why I would assume this poop-crazed fungus would grow here. If anyone knows how to get cats to stop pooping in the mulch please let me know, lavender and coffee grounds did not work!!!

THE SECRET OF SKINWALKER RANCH:
★★★★★ FIVE STARS, ZERO OUT OF TEN

My friend Xela suggested that I watch The Secret of Skinwalker Ranch, a History Channel "docuseries" on Hulu. Xela tends to give top-quality recommendations and suggestions, so I dove right in and WOW, she was right. I won't spoil it for you, but basically, it seems like a very bored and wealthy Mormon wanted to flex and look important (and maybe had friends at the History Channel) so he gave a bunch of middle-aged, white male "Scientists" a variety of gadgets to try and figure out if there are a) aliens, b) ghosts, c) a curse, d) a big magnet, e) an underground wormhole and/or f) demonic time travel happening on this ranch in Utah. Everyone on the show is trying very hard to look smart and serious. They all completely butcher Indigenous American history, so trigger warning for that. There is a 40-minute long conversation about digging. There is a microscope being used on the lowest setting. There are lots of big conclusions being drawn based on very little real scientific data. I have to imagine this is what the Salem Witch Trials were like. I cannot recommend this show enough, but don't complain to me when you wish you had all that time back. Maybe, just maybe, they will actually discover time travel and share those spoils with their loyal viewers. Fingers crossed!

SHITTY GUIDE TO LAST-MINUTE GIFTS
Originally published December 22, 2020

Some people are naturally born to give good gifts and do stuff on time. Others of us are bad at both! We are also the same people who can't think of a Halloween costume until November 1st and unfortunately, there's really nothing you can do to change this. But you CAN trick yourself and others into thinking you're on top of things. After many years of scrambling last minute and a handful of years being completely broke, I have developed a few tips and gimmicks that will help you pop out of left field with some surprise trick play in gift form, making you seem like a really thoughtful, reliable gift-giving pro. I hope you find this Shitty Last Minute Gift Guide useful, because SURPRISE! this is my shitty last-minute gift to all of you.

LAST-MINUTE GIFTS YOU CAN STILL PULL OFF:

HOME-MADE VOUCHERS

One of my go-to moves for gifting for almost any occasion, really. All you need is some paper and maybe some fun gel pens. Think of a meaningful experience you can gift to this recipient, like:- A punch card of FaceTimes for mom, redeemable on HER schedule - No-questions-asked-help-moving coupon for your friend who moves a lot and might be moving soon- A homemade dinner for a friend to be cashed in post-covid!
Draw a cute coupon and add fun details like terms, expiration dates, and other loopholes that can get you out of any commitments you’re pretending to make. Snap a photo and send it on Xmas morning! If you want to really show off for loved ones in person, wrap the voucher up in a big box with all the bells and whistles. If you don't HAVE bells and whistles, write yourself an IOU voucher for bells and whistles.

FRUIT

Almost nobody doesn’t like fruit. I know this because I once bribed a coworker into trading desks with me with a bunch of fruit from Dean & Deluca and it was truly a downgrade for her, but I had fruit. Pineapples make a great gift because nobody ever buys themselves a whole pineapple at the grocery store. Slap some googly eyes on it or dress it up like your friend so they’ll be like “wow, this is so me!” when you present it to them.

DRAW THEM A PICTURE

This only works if you’re bad to mediocre at drawing, otherwise it will look like a disingenuous attempt to show off. Draw a beautiful bad picture of your friend, their pet, their idyllic day, a meal you’d like to cook for them, them on a horse on a boat, anything! Stick it in the mail today and it just might show up by the 26th. Or, just text them a photo of it using the invisible ink effect!  

TAKE THE L AND DROP $$$$$$$$ ON WINE

This won’t help you if you’re broke but it will make you look like you have your shit together. Go into a wine store and just ask for something 'natural' or 'skin contact', it’s really that easy. Pick the one with the most avant-garde label design (it should have cerulean blue) and a shitty illustration of like, I don’t know, a pigeon riding a skateboard. It should cost $32 and the wine store will give you a nice bag for it.

FREE WINTERY BOUQUET

Take a walk around your neighborhood with a pair of snips and a tote bag to steal trimmings off of plants and stuff. These can be lazily arranged and look just fine. If anyone catches you, pretend you are helping mitigate the spread of pests and spend the rest of the day pruning all of the plants in their garden. This is a win-win because now you’ll have enough trimmings to make Free Wintery Bouquets for all of your loved ones, and they get to believe that a stranger helped save their whole yard.

JUST SEND SOMETHING LATE!

People get all frazzled about gifts being “on time,” but remember: time is not real and you can literally send a gift any time you want to. Think of how much brighter your gift can shine in the middle of January, with no other gifts to upstage it? Right when your loved one was thinking, “wow, Sarah didn’t send a present again” you prove them wrong and slap a candle directly into their possession.

SITTING

Maybe this is a voucher, but you can always offer to watch people’s kids and pets so they can go do a thing at a later, non-covid date. When this happens, you can find ways to capitalize for your own personal benefit. For example, while your friends enjoy an afternoon without the hassle of a toddler, you can teach the toddler how to unload your dishwasher. An adorable puppy that isn’t yours can be featured in your new dating app profile photo. Maybe you could also teach the dog how to unload the dishwasher, I don't know!

HAVE A THOUGHT THAT COUNTS

If you’re really desperate and hate all of the above suggestions, time to bust out those creative writing skills and describe, at length, all the wonderful things you’d buy and make for your loved ones if only you had a million dollars and hours. You'd build them a cabin and fill it with florals. You'd carve a cheese sculpture of their whole head and win some award that's also cheese. You'd make a creepy talking hologram of their deceased family member. Maybe write what you'd do in rhyme and then sing it at them to the tune of a popular Christmas song. Just be careful you don't accidentally appear to be proposing to a platonic friend!

DO NOTHING AND GO EASY ON YOURSELF

Oddly, this might be the most challenging suggestion of all. It's been a goddamn year——give yourself the REAL gift: Permission to remove the pressure of last-minute gift-giving. I'm pretty sure nobody will judge you too harshly, and if they do, then they don't deserve you anyway, sweetie. <3